Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Long Song

An excerpt from Prince Charming's song in the car today, one in a lifelong series of car songs. The entire collection is only a small sample of the Prince Charming Comedy Network.
So, here it is......

My cousin has a chocolate mustache,
I bet it cost a lot of cash,
It looks pretty weird,
But not as weird as my beard,
Which is actually awesome,
Better than a possum,
Which are better than koala bears,
With all their crazy hairs.
Koala bears are cool,
Except for when they drool.
We'll never be apart,
Except for when they fart.

There was more, much more but I can't remember the rest. He also happened onto the one slang word he didn't know for his boy parts (rhymes with long, you can figure it out). My explanation of why he really didn't need to sing that particular word resulted in a very serious "Oh. Okay." Followed, of course, by the hysterical laughter I had been expecting.

Monday, December 29, 2008


I love Christmas. Well, any year but this year. I love the decorating, the shopping, the Advent candles and services, the preparations, the special goodies, the carols, the lights, the excitement and especially singing Silent Night in a candlelit church (which may be a Lutheran thing...hmmmm). This year, of course, was tough. Months ago, I realized that none of us could face Christmas here without Mama. I called my uncle, my mother's favorite brother, and invited ourselves to Texas. I am so, so glad we went.
We left town earlier than originally planned because I just could not stand a second more of being here without my Mama. The world felt completely skewed and I was uncomfortable in my own skin. So we made the long drive from a home that didn't feel at all like Christmas to my uncle's house, were Christmas was quietly waiting. My aunt and uncle had beautiful Christmas lights. They had Christmas music playing. They had a crackling fire, beautiful nativity sets, three trees, my grandfather sitting in an easy chair and tons of cookies. Most of these things were available here, and yet it didn't feel the same. Quaint or cliche as it may sound, there is much to be said for being sheltered in the arms of your family. It is so good to be loved. And it is love that makes all the difference.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Last Saturday morning, Little Runner Girl's basketball team went up against one of the two most dreaded teams in our league. You may be wondering how tough an 8th grade girls basketball team can be. Well, here is a bit of trivia for you. Joe Kleine's daughter happens to be in 8th grade. As in used-to-play-for-the-Celtics, etc. Joe Kleine. And her Daddy just happens to be the coach. Needless to say, we lost and it was not pretty. I am proud to say that Little Runner Girl made 4 of our wonderful 6 points. Final score...24-6.
So what could be worse than playing against a team coached by a professional basketball player? The Dragons. These girls come from a small school in a not great part of town with a tiny run-down gym. These girls just slaughter us. These girls slaughter all the other teams in our league. I'm not sure what they feed these Dragons, but I wouldn't be surprised if it involved human sacrifice.
Final score...47-6.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

December 4th

My very , very first memory is of sitting on the textured taupe couch in our living room in Houston. My parents let me hold "my baby" in my lap. She grabbed my pinky with her tiny hand and grabbed my heart at the very same instant.
She was blonde haired, green eyed and the most ridiculously cute child on the planet. She was not the "Baby Bruvver" I ordered, but I am so glad I decided to keep her. I did ask my parents to take her back. Fortunately, babies come with a no return policy.
When we were little, I told her we bought her at K-Mart on a "blue light special" and if she was bad we would return her. I threw books into her playpen so she could "read". I taught her to write the letter K. When she wrote it on my table I begged our parents to not be angry. After all, she had written a real letter. It was an "accident" that she wrote it on the table. I taught her how to write her name in cursive, stick cheerios to the side of the bowl and climb trees. I learned to teach by experimenting on her.
She is a grown up banker now and a wife and a mommy, but she will always be my Baby Sister.
Happy Birthday BlondieCakes! I love you!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Plugged Up!

I subbed for Yellow Rose's class this morning and forgot to plug in the Christmas tree lights in her room. About 2.6 seconds after he walked into the room, Big D came over eager to help and asked "Can I plug up the Christmas Tree?" I refrained from both laughing and making any of the
amusing replies that popped into my head. I just smiled and said "Go ahead, Honey".
It just occurred to me that I may be the only person to find this funny. Oh well.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Playmobil Conspiracy!

This evening I discovered yet another reason I am happy I had my kids while I was still in my twenties. Playmobil!
In case you don't know, Playmobil is a European company that makes wonderfully detailed, tiny little toys. There are entire Playmobil worlds of itty bitty fun. Pirates. Knights. Fairytale castles. Hospitals. Police stations. It really is cool stuff.
Anyway, my kids just loved Playmobil when they were younger. Prince Charming still plays with it occasionally. The thing with Playmobil is that somebody (meaning parents) has to assemble some of these tiny little items. The sets come with illustrated instructions which avoids the whole strangely translated English issue. So what does all this have to do with the timing of my procreation? I was still in my twenties when I first put together a Playmobil set. This was a much easier task than it is at 40, let me just tell you!
And why am I still putting together eentsy bits of Playmobil plastic?
I still get the kids a Playmobil Advent calendar every year. Yes, they are probablty too old for it, but it's tradition! Besides, Prince Charming still openly enjoys his (and, in fact, has reminded me every day this week that it was almost December 1st). Little Runner Girl would probably tell you she's too big for toys, but she still opens hers and sprawls in the floor arranging the little figures. Of course, I did have to resort to asking her for help putting her brother's things together today. That stuff was way easier to see when I was in my twenties. It's a conspiracy, I swear!!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving this year didn't feel like Thanksgiving. We were kindly invited to a gorgeous home, ate wonderful food and enjoyed good wine. It was a lovely afternoon and I am so glad we were not alone to face the vast emptiness of my Mama's empty chair. And I have so much for which I am thankful, no matter how unreal Thanksgiving felt this year.
I am thankful I had a wonderful Mama who was a true believer in Southern hospitality. Her door, her kitchen and her heart were always open to anyone in need of mothering. She fed, advised, nurtured and loved a remarkable number of my friends, my sister's friends, my Dad's friends and anyone else in need of somewhere to go or somebody to love them.
I am thankful I had a Mama that I loved but also truly liked. I am thankful she and my Daddy had such a happy marriage, thankful they were best friends as well as sweethearts. I am thankful for the love and understanding of so many friends who "get" that this year has not been easy. I am especially thankful for Prankster who is always there to make me laugh, listen to me cry, hug me, call me and sometimes even make me laugh and cry at the same time. I am thankful for my sweet husband who truly misses my Mama, too. I am thankful for my darling kiddos who say "Remember how Granny would ..." or "I'm really missing Granny today because...." or "Granny would really think that was funny". I am thankful my children and niece have such precious memories of a Granny who loved them like crazy. I am thankful I still have a sister and a Daddy to make this difficult journey with me. I am thankful that my sister understands crying over tupperware and other bizarre things. I am even thankful God allowed us to be the ones in need of somewhere to go this year. We are truly blessed.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Because There's No Such Thing as Too Much Butter!

The presence of fresh cranberries at the store and my promise to make something for the LuHigh bake sale have given me an excuse to make this wonderful batch of buttery goodness.
It's delicious. It's scrumptious. It's completely worth the calories.
And if you even think about making this with margarine then you need to seriously consider getting professional help. And don't tell me about it because I may be unable to ever speak to you again. Also, I cannot be held responsible for the abomination that would result from using margarine.
So, here is the recipe for wonderful cranberry and butter goodness...

Cranberry Bars

2 eggs
1 cup sugar
1 cup flour
1/3 cup butter, melted
1 1/4 cups fresh cranberries

Preheat oven to 350. Generously butter (do not even consider using any nasty old Crisco!) an 8-inch baking pan. Beat eggs in a medium bowl until thick. Gradually add sugar, beating until thoroughly blended. Stir in flour and melted butter; blend well. Add cranberries, mixing gently just until combined. Spread evenly in pan. Bake for 40 to 45 minutes or until golden brown and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool and cut into bars.
And don't eat the whole pan by yourself.

No, I Don't Remember

The Saint and I have a bit of an age gap between us. Occasionally we have completely different memories of past events because we were at different stages in our lives. Kelly had a post today that reminded me of something that happened when we were dating. The Saint watched entirely too much television as a child and he loved watching the show "Dark Shadows". He would reference this show sometimes or mention a character and I had no idea what he was talking about. He could not believe I didn't remember this show. In fact, he insisted I would remember if I just thought about it.

One day we were digging around in a used book store and came across an old entertainment magazine. The Saint showed me the cover excitedly and said "See! This show! Remember!" I looked at the date on the cover and pointed out, very sweetly, that it had been published the year before I was born.

Really dear, I swear I don't remember!

Well, Okay Then

Yesterday I was sitting at the craft table helping Funnyface make a paper plate turkey. She looked at me and said "Mrs. H., do you have a baby in your tummy?" Thanks, kiddo. I just lost 6 pounds. I foolishly asked her why she thought I might have a baby in my tummy.
"Well, 'cause your boobies are pretty big." I nearly bit my tongue off trying to not die laughing.
And later, when I told this story to Prankster, she said "I think it's the sweater. I noticed they were looking big today."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Who Are You?

I am incredibly lazy about getting my hair cut. Actually, I think part of my problem is that I like my hair somewhat long and every time I do go in to get a haircut I suffer a minor (or occasionally major)trauma. I probably average one haircut a year, maybe two. (This particular habit of mine used to drive my Mama batty.)
I think my last haircut was in May and I had gone at least a year without cutting it before that. My hair is long and pretty ratty looking right now so I tend to default to putting it up. I hadn't realized how often I was wearing my hair up until Tuesday. I left my hair down and when I got to school, I swear at least six preschoolers gave me a puzzled look and asked "What's your name?" Dollbaby even tilted her head and said "Are you sure?" when I told her. Long-haired Mrs. H. just blows their little minds.

Saturday, November 8, 2008


This is the exchange I overheard at preschool lunch yesterday....

Georgia: "Say e-drop."

Francie: "Eat-drop?"

Georgia: "No, e-drop. Eeeeee-drop."

Francie: "Eeee-top."

Georgia: "No! E-drop. Like when you e-drop on your sister. You sneaky around and hide in her room and then say Boo! at her. That's e-drop."

They crack me up!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


My friend Mad Scientist has gone back to school to get her Masters. She is teaching school, going to school and keeping her family running smoothly. I am so proud of her!!! But, the other day she said something that just freaked me out. We where taking a long drive for a field trip and chatting happily when she mentioned how much her kids miss having more of her time, especially her son Absent-Minded Professor.
Mad Scientist is almost finished with classes for this semester. She told me that her first weekend without homework, she plans to spend the whole day at home. "We'll stay in our pajamas and watch movies and not brush our teeth..." she said. Not brush teeth!?! Aaaaaagh!
We all have our little quirks and this just happens to be mine. I could go (and have gone) a couple of days without a shower. I could easily spend an entire week in my pajamas (okay, let me just be honest and say an entire lifetime). I could live without brushing my hair or wearing deodorant if I absolutley had to. But to not brush my teeth...I cannot begin to describe how deeply that thought disturbs me.
I have to go brush my teeth now.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Follow Me!

Oh cool! I have followers. Only two, but still. I also have a little tag that says "manage". Followers I can mamage at the click of a button!? BwaaaaHaaaaHaaaa!

I need more followers!!! Follow me!!! BwaaHaa!


I am a girl who enjoys nice things. However, I am also a girl of Swedish descent. This means that encoded in my DNA is a virulent form of frugality. Some people might go so far as to say I am cheap. I would beg to differ because I have relatives who would make the pre-visitation Ebenezer Scrooge seem positively wasteful.
I am careful about what I spend because it is the wise thing to do, especially these days. Also, saving money wherever I can means I have extra money for the things that cost more. Some things are just worth the money. (Girl trips with my BFFs - absolutely worth it!!!)
I have to confess that I get a ridiculous high from scoring a really wonderful bargain. I remember these for years. It's like a treasure hunting adventure for me. One of my all time best deals was paying $20 for an evening gown that was originally priced at $298. And it was a gorgeous dress! (The store was changing owners.)
So, this week I was at the Goodwill store looking for items for Prince Charming's Halloween costume. And just so you know...Halloween store gangster (not gangsta') costume -$39.99.
Goodwill store boys' pinstripe suit - $4. I always make a tour of the store because you never know what you will find. And there, at the end of the rack of ratty looking wool coats and pleather jackets, I saw it. A very cute leather jacket. It is gold and cut like a denim jacket. Classic and perfect for evening. And, because I make it my business to know these things, I can tell you that this particular jacket is from a private label collection available at Saks Fifth Avenue. The original price of this jacket would have been at least $300. I paid 8 bucks!!! Sweet!
Also, my mother will be haunting my dreams to reprimand me for revealing what I paid for stuff. She was Swedish and frugal, but also very Southern. Discussing what one paid for something is, and I quote, VULGAR.
But still...I totally scored!!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I broke my Crock Pot this evening. I dropped the lid and it hit the crockery part and broke it. None of the pieces got in the food, thank goodness! There was much weeping and nashing of teeth. I have an unnatural attachment to my Crock Pot, but it isn't quite as bad as this. I love her blog. I love what I have made using her recipes. I love that she tells how to make caramel apples using a Crock Pot. I especially love that she once used her Crock Pot to soak her feet.
Tomorrow, after I torture my children for their laundry infractions, I will be buying myself a new Crock Pot. I can't imagine life without one!


Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, The Saint and I could do all of our laundry in one day. Then we had a child. This teeny, tiny 3 pound cherub easily tripled our laundry. Babies are deceptively yummy smelling. They are rather dirty little critters. So, of course, we had another baby. As our babies grew, so did the laundry. And to the regular laundry was eventually added volleyball uniforms, cheer uniforms, basketball uniforms, football uniforms (which are extremely dirty!) and cross country/track uniforms plus running clothes for training. And, in case you have never done a runner's laundry, let me just tell you that enough mud to create a new planet will end up plastered on the runner's socks, shorts and shirt. Muddy running clothes make football uniforms look pristine.
At this point in my life, I must do a minimum of three loads of laundry a day. If I do not, the laundry will eat the house. Last week I neglected the laundry and it was beginning to demand I set a place for it at the table, so I have been playing catch up all week. My darling children's role in all of this is to bring their clothes downstairs every morning. Yes, I realize I am cruel and unreasonable, but since they are bringing themselves downstairs I heartlessly expect them to bring clothes with them.
At about ten this evening I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Three loads left! I went upstairs, looked at my precious sleeping boy and opened his closet to hang up some clean clothes. Guess what I found! Dirty clothes. A big, honkin' pile of dirty clothes. I snarled and growled and took the clothes to the laundry room. It then occurred to me that none my laundry this week had included Little Runner Girl's cheer uniform. Back upstairs to peek in her closet. Sure enough...she also had a giant pile of dirty clothes. Ggrrrrrrrr!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my children had a total of seven (yes!!! freakin' seven!!!! no, I am absolutely not kidding and I have a large capacity washer and drier) loads of laundry stuffed in their closets. Half of it was probably clean clothes that they never put away. I do believe that in most states this is grounds for justifiable homicide.
P.S. In case you are a random lurker with no sense of humor, I am kidding about killing my children. But they are so grounded.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Just Call Me June

As in Cleaver because I am totally posting about a cleaning product. I am completely infatuated with Mrs. Meyers Clean Day dish soap. I picked up a couple of free samples the other night and let me just tell you...this stuff smells really good. Clean, but in a completely unchemical way. I used the Basil today and will use the Lemon Verbena tomorrow. I can hardly wait to try some of the other stuff.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

In Which I Reveal That I Am an Old Lady

Today I went to Kroger for groceries - and let me just stop right here and confess that I do not actually say Kroger. I say Krogers because I am Southern and thus compelled to add S to the names of stores. Krogers. JC Penneys. Barnes and Nobles. I am happy to report that I do not say Walmarts. I'm not a complete hick!
Back to Krogers. Kroger. Whatever. Naturally, I get a brand new check-out chick. She can barely operate her register and is very busy flirting with the bag boy. Check-out chick starts ringing up my groceries and tossing them on the conveyor. I have no problem with her tossing boxes of pasta and cereal but then she tosses a bag of apples (which cost a ridiculous amount of money! Have you seen the price of apples lately!?) I ask her to please stop tossing the produce. She giggles, says "Oh, yeah, sorry" and literally drops the bag of tomatoes she is holding. They land with a splat. Bag boy thinks this is hilarious and puts them in my bag. I send Little Runner Girl to go get new apples and tomatoes. Bag boy starts loading stuff into the cart. He brilliantly puts bags of canned goods on top of the bag with the tomatoes and a bag with grapes. I talk to the twelve year old with Manager written on her name tag. She says "Y'all be careful" and goes about her business. Check-out chick and bag boy think this is the funniest thing ever. Grrr...
Call me an old fogey, but once upon a time checkers and baggers were trained in how to handle groceries properly. And they had some clue that their paychecks depended on customers.
Ah, the good old days...

Goodbye, Dawn Bicker

I feel better having vented in a post about this woman. I still don't approve of her behavior, but a friend reminded me that stooping to her classless level isn't really the thing to do. My Mama would have said "Don't wallow in the mud with that pig".

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Irrelevant Whining

I'm sick. My head hurts, my throat hurts, my back hurts, my eyes hurt and my stupid nose is simultaneously running and stopped up. Bleeeehhhhhh!

Saturday, September 27, 2008


Yesterday I walked into the house and discovered Prince Charming's cup on the kitchen counter. And I do not mean a drinking cup!!! That nasty thing is worn all week to football practice and every weekend to football games. Bleh! And when I asked him why on earth it was on the counter, he responded with the only-logical-to-him answer of "Well, it was on the floor".
Boys have cooties!!! My son included!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Holy Cow!!!

No, I am not describing myself in the title, but I might as well be. After nearly suffering heart failure from the number on my scale earlier this week, I zipped (barely) myself into my too snug teacher skirt and waddled off to school. About twenty minutes later, Prankster came in and said "I'm going to join Weight Watchers. This week! Do you want to go with me?" Well of course I do!!! It is either that or wire my jaws shut.
So, our first meeting was tonight. Hello, I weigh 4.8 pounds less than I did when I gave birth to Little Runner Girl. And my scale at home? The one that nearly caused my coronary? It is such a liar! Oh my stars and garters!!!!! No wonder none of my clothes fit me!
Oh, and my favorite thing to eat at Taco Bell (Nachos Bell Grande) is actually one point more than I should be eating for the whole day!!!! Aaaaaaggghhh!
The leader chick also chose to use a Snickers bar as an example, at which point Prankster smacked my leg and said "See! I told you those are bad!"
So, armed with determination, recipes and points books we headed out to the parking lot. And decided the day was over anyway, so we might as well make one last trip to Taco Bell. Aren't we just the queens of willpower?
P.S. Don't tell Prankster, but I also had a Snickers bar after dinner. I'm not feeling guilty about it because I would bet my tootbrush she had vodka for dessert.

Monday, September 22, 2008


We finally made it to Boston. Our first experience with the city was a psychopathic cabbie who was quite upset that Suze would dare touch his buttons. I believe his name was DoNotBeTouchingMyButtonsIDoNotLikePeopleAlwaysTouchingButtonsDoNotTouchMyButtons.
After I did not tip him and told him, with typical Southern understatement, that he was "quite unpleasant", we went to our wonderful room. With two bathrooms!!! OK, the showers were almost exactly the size of a Barbie Dream House shower, but there were two bathrooms!!! The three of us have shared many, many bathrooms, but we have never had the luxury of two. Suze and Prankster took one bathroom. My bags and I took the other. I think this says something about me. Suze is thinking it says "See! You have too many #$@& bags!".
We had a truly wonderful meal at Legal Seafood. My appetizer was an absolutely divine lobster bisque. Our whole meal was fabulous. And, because I have no shame, I told every single person in Boston that we were celebrating my birthday. Our very sweet waitress brought me cake. And the staff sang to me. Like a spoiled six year old. I love being treated like a spoiled six year old.
After dinner we took our stuffed selves wandering around aimlessly. What a cool city! Modernity and history all in one remarkable package.
We ended the evening at the coolest Irish pub. I want to live there. In the pub. Which may not be practical for daily life.
Can I rewind and relive our weekend? No? 'Cause I am ready to go back to Boston right now!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Blah! Blah! Blah!

Fair warning: much of what I find uproariously funny when traveling with Suze and Prankster doesn't seem funny to others. We tend to have hours of "you had to be there" moments. We once spent at least 45 minutes in a hotel room bed laughing and joking about a place called The Chicken Hut. My face and stomach seriously hurt from laughing so hard, but when I tried to explain to The Saint what was so hilarious, his eyes glazed over and he gave me the my-wife-may-need-a mental-health-professional look.
Our Boston adventure began with a minor miracle. I was early! Early!!! Prankster constantly promises "I will leave your ass!" because I am never on time. She's never left me though, 'cause she loves me. I should stop telling people that or she really will leave me sometime.
Prankster is terrified of flying and getting her on a plane requires some self medication. The first thing I saw when the car door opened was Prankster's grin. "I just had a tequila shot!" she said proudly. It was 5:30. In the morning. Just so you know.
After the lovely barefoot bag search involved in getting on a plane these days (And whoever thinks I can travel with all of my cosmetics packed into a quart bag is just insane. Some girls can get by with very few cosmetics. I am not one of those girls.) we settled in to wait for boarding and were soon visited by The Spirit of Obnoxious Attention Seekers. We were treated to the delightful self-involved chatter of The Loudest Woman on the Planet. So was everyone else on the plane. Everyone on the flight quickly learned how much the rental company wanted to charge her group for a car, where she worked, how much her dad's car cost, how much her mom's car cost, what shoes she would love to buy, the Tiffany ring she would like to have, the cost of the ring her father just bought her mom, the fact that her father flies coach so she and her mom can fly first class, where some random guy that might be worth dating lives, her plans for the entire weekend, where she would be eating dinner in Boston, etc., etc., etc. She was completely oblivious to the glares of the passengers in the surrounding aisles.
In an effort to shut out the screeching and (to be completely honest) because we could, we ordered cocktails the minute the flight attendant asked. In Atlanta, we had a little time before our next flight so we had some lunch and another drink. And missed our flight! OK, the plane was actually still at the gate, but they had already closed the door. Suze did a magnificent job of booking us on another flight. To pass the time we decided to visit the airport bar. We were quite merry by the time we made the plane to Boston. And we all had a good nap on the way.
And I will have to comtinue this story later because I do have a few actual responsibilities in real life. Bleh!


I am really missing my Mama today. I've been sorting through some of her fabric and sewing things, coming across unfinished projects. This coming Saturday would have been her 64th birthday.
I want my Mommy :(

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Excuses, Excuses

Yeah, yeah, I know. I still haven't written about our Boston adventure. I have excellent reasons for my procrastination. Really I do. Hmmmm...that could be the title of my autobiography... "I Have Excellent Reasons for My Procrastination". Only it would never be published because I wouldn't get around to submitting it. Where was I going with this?
Oh, yeah! Excuses. I need to find out how to get the photos off my camera and onto here and how to do that cool little link thing to my friend Suze's blog. The fact that the Saint gets paid for both designing software and taking pictures does not mean I know anything about either computers or cameras. And asking him will result in a three hour tutorial on the 57 possible ways I could accomplish both of those tasks and an artistic critique of my slightly (Ha!) under the influence photography.
Also, I have returned to the volleyball, cheer, football, scouts, cotillion cycle. And my uncle made a quick run through town. And big old honkin' Ike huffed and puffed. And Little Runner Girl broke up with her boyfriend because "There are just sooooo many cute boys!" but she was still a little sad. And now she has a cold or some such fever, cough, icky nose thing. And I've been busy.
See! I have plenty of excuses!!!
I almost forgot to tell y'all that all of my loved ones in Texas are safe and sound. No catastrophic property damage, no injuries, and some of them got power back on today! Hurray!!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Texas Hurricane

Brazoria County, Texas is the county of my birth. It also happens to be home to more than twenty members of my extended family. Some of my family members have gone to Houston, but that may not be far enough. And, as of today, some of my family members have made the choice to shelter in place. I am hoping they will obey the mandatory evacuation order I just saw, but I haven't talked to anyone since about 6:30 this evening. Needless to say, I am having myself a little freak-out. It is my opinion that I have suffered quite enough loss and grief this year, but it is possible that God has different plans. Please pray for my loved ones, that they will all make it through this storm unharmed. Please pray especially for my great uncle Ken in Houston, who is blind and quite frail. Also say a special prayer for my cousin Julie who is an ICU nurse in Houston.
Thanks y'all.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Chicken Floorentine

So, a typical day in my life involves getting three different children to three different practices and then sometimes to three different sporting events. Fortunately, the girls have some practices together. (My niece Esmeralda is my virtual 3rd child.) (I would also like to take this opportunity to point out the fact that this entire post would have caused my 11th grade English teacher to break out in hives. And then fall to the floor in convulsions. And then die. And then come back to life and eat my head.) Ummmm....did I have a point to this post?
Oh, yeah. Because I do not want my children to eat fast food and/or concession stand garbage every single day of their lives, I asked my Daddy to get me a Pyrex Portables thingy for my birthday. Actually, I called him from Target and said "You're getting me a Pyrex Portables thingy for my birthday" and he said "Get what you want and I'll write you a check". My Mama always did the gift buying. OK, no crying while typing allowed.
Anyway, today I made Chicken Florentine in my lovely new Pyrex to take to Prince Charming's football game. It smelled amazing. I was quite pleased with myself. That is, until I tried to take the Chicken Florentine out of the oven. The potholder slipped or something guessed it...Chicken Floorentine. And Chicken Door of the Oventine. I was not a happy girl. I said a word (or two) that made Prince Charming give me his I-am-pretending-my-mother-does-not-curse look. I am happy to report that I did not break the dish. I did, sadly, have to clean up the big honkin' mess. My only other option would have been letting my cats clean it up. Resulting, obviously, in an even bigger mess.
Now that I have bored you into a comatose state, I feel much better. Tomorrow, Tales from Boston. I haven't recovered enough to fully report yet.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I'm Outta Here!

In less than seven hours I'll be on my way to Boston. And, since procrastination is my superpower, I still have exactly zero items in my suitcase. No, I am not kidding.
Honestly, I have nothing to wear. At least, I have nothing to wear that fits. So I am taking some tight but still zippable (ooh, look at that pretty non-word) clothes. None of them will zip by the end of the weekend, I'm sure. I'll be flying home wearing hotel sheets.
Anyway, I wanted to let my enormous collection of readers know where I'll be. Oh wait! There are only three of you and two of you will be with me in Boston. Well, never mind!

Thursday, August 28, 2008


One of the many amusing things about Little Runner Girl is her long list of food quirks. She eats multicolored foods (M&Ms, Skittles) by color, in the same order every time. She loves dried apricots, but only if they are cut into tiny pieces. She loves Swiss cheese, unless it is shredded. She will only eat perfectly smooth varieties of yogurt. She doesn't like any kind of condiment, including salad dressing, barbecue sauce and gravy. She likes almonds, but only if they are slivered. She prefers to eat her pasta and her sauce seperately. She used to take all the Crunches out of Crunch bars and eat them last until I cleaned up one too many slightly used Crunch pieces.
For dinner tonight she had one of her very favorite meals...a Sonic Chicken Toaster Club. With no cheese. No mayo. No tomato. And when she gets this lovely, dry, bread, bacon and chicken creation, she always opens it, takes off half of the lettuce, rearranges the bacon, and peals the crust from the bread. She eats the sandwich and then eats the crust. And then she sometimes eats the extra lettuce.
My girl cracks me up!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Are you kidding me?!?

My last post reminded me of something that really irritated me yesterday. Let me preface this tale by saying that the mother of one of Prince Charming's classmates ( I call her Clownfish) irritates the you-know-what out of me. (And many of the other moms.) She wears ridiculously cutesy outfits that would look darling on somebody's Barbie. She talks exactly like a three year old girl, only with excessive dramatic pauses. She constantly has her extremely skinny lips pouted out in what she apparently thinks is a sexy look and reapplies lip gloss so frequently she must use a tube a day. She bears a startling resemblance to a drooling fish. A really tall drooling fish.
The cherry on top of this delightful package is her habit of flirting constantly with other people's husbands. Once, during a basketball game, she grabbed one of the Dads' so high on his thigh she could have peformed a prostate exam for him. The look on his face was priceless!
Obviously, I am not fond of this woman, but last night she just really pissed me off. As I stood talking to Little Runner Girl's algebra teacher, Clownfish sauntered over, said "Hi" and PATTED ME ON THE HEAD!!! WTF!!! Does she think I'm a puppy? I realize I am short, but Oh My Goodness Gracious! Does she really think it is normal to pat another adult on the head!?
On the other hand, she was wanting to talk to the math teacher, who just happens to be even shorter than I. Way to go impressing the teacher, moron!


She came into the world measuring a whole 16 inches long. She didn't even make it onto the growth chart until sometime after her 3rd birthday. But now? Now my Little Runner Girl is officially an inch taller than her Mama. Of course, the fact that she is only 5'3" doesn't exactly suggest a future in the WNBA.
I don't care how tall she is, she will always be my little sugar baby.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


I swear to you it is twenty billion degrees outside! Really! I am not kidding!
Ok, maybe I am kidding a little bit, but only by about three degrees. I am one of those people who is almost always cold, but this heat is just insane. As my friend Suze is wont to say "You can only get so naked."
I used to know a woman who lived in a terribly cold climate. Summers were lovely, but she paid fpr them with endless months of winters beyond my comprehension. And somewhere in the midst of winter, every year, she reached her breaking point. A terrible deppression sets in and is only relieved by a change in the weather. It is the same for me, only with reversed seasons. I live in the Beautiful South and it truly is beautiful most of the year. But, at some point every summer, it gets so hot and humid that no words can begin to describe it. Normally pleasant and polite people become rabid dogs. Nobody goes outside, lest they swoon. The lovely plants on my porch have become heat parched skeletons. One goes from air-conditioned home to air-conditioned car to ridiculously warm swimming pool.
Bleh, heat! Please let me fast forward to October!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Prince Charming

He has laughing eyes the color of melted chocolate. He has a tiny freckle at each corner of his mouth and one at the bow of his lips. His left cheek has the tiniest, most precious dimple on the planet. He is the class clown and also the class brain. He has a smile that stops my heart in its tracks. He is tenderhearted, compassionate and insanely charming. He still loves it when I call him Little Brown Bear, even in public.

When I was teenager, I wrote out a plan for my life...a plan that included only daughters. Eleven years ago today, I was blessed with a son.

He is not what I had planned. He is everything I ever wanted.

Happy Birthday Prince Charming!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


My family and I are in the midst of our annual visit to the desert. YeeHaw. And why are we spending two weeks in the desert in the middle of July? Because all the rooms in Hell were booked.
Actually, we are visiting my in-laws. For two weeks. Yeah, I know. More on that later.
Needless to say, at some point one desires a bit of privacy. Also, nature does occasionally call, requiring a trip to the bathroom. When my children were small, I made peace with the fact that I could never use the bathroom without little people in attendance, wiggling fingers under the door, asking "Can I hab a dwink?" or wanting to come in for a chat. I was okay with that but, My Goodness Gracious!, why oh why can they not give me five minutes now?
I swear to you my children hardly spoke to me this morning until I was in the bathroom. Naturally, this bathroom is in the hallway of my in-laws house, opening directly across from the entrance most frequently used by everyone in the universe including the very loud and nosy neighbor from New Jersey who thinks showing up before breakfast is perfectly normal. Grrr!!!
Where was I? Oh yes, the bathroom. I could not have been in there more than 30 seconds before Little Runner Girl knocked on the door.
"Can I come in?"
"What do you want?"
Little Runner Girl opens the door and stands there WITH IT OPEN and asks
"What are you doing?" Ummmm, okay.
"Could you close the door, please!?"
She closes the door and asks "Why are you getting annoyed with me?"
"Did you need something?"
"Yeah, do you know where my other swimsuit is?"
"In your suitcase?"
At this point Prince Charming knocks on the door and says
"Can I come in?"
At the same time Little Runner girl is saying "I already looked."
"Son, what do you need? Honey, what is wrong with the swimsuit in your hand?"
Prince Charming opens the door. Apparently my children believe I want audience.
"Son, close the door! Sweet Pea, those bathing suits are almost identical. Just get dressed."
Prince Charming comes in and closes the door. There are now three people crammed into a very small mid 1970's bathroom.
Prince Charming asks "What are you doing?" I think my children missed something during potty training. How many possibilties are there for what a person does while sitting on a toilet?
"Where's your purse?"
"I don't know."
"But I packed the other one, I know." "I need to get my Webkinz thing out of your purse."
"Get dressed or go look for your other suit. Son, go look for my purse if you need it. Get out of here and give me five minutes to myself."
"But I need your purse." "But I don't want to wear this one."
"My purse is not in this bathroom. Go naked, put on that suit or find the other one. Get out of here!"
"Can I get on the computer?" "What are we doing tomorrow?"
"These are not emergencies! OUT!"
These children will be 11 and 14 in less than a month. I swear to goodness they'll be driving back from college just so they can stand in the bathroom asking me questions!
(And yes, I did forget to lock the door. Brilliant!)

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Baby Come Back

Prince Charming has been away at camp this week and I am so ready for my boy to be home. I will admit that the first few days without the chaos that is almost-11-year-old-boy were rather relaxing. Now, the house just seems eerily quiet and strangely odor free. Little Runner Girl said "It's too quiet. There haven't been any enormous crashing noises from upstairs all week".
I am ready for my baby to come home. (And yes, he is still my baby!)

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Brett Favre and Me

Let me just start by saying that I have virtually no interest in professional sports. As a result, I was not really paying attention this evening when Prince Charming started discussing rumors that Brett Favre would like to come out of retirement. I had a vague idea that Brett Favre was maybe a football player, but I wasn't entirely sure. I was trying to be a good Mama and ask reasonably intelligent questions of my boy babbling on about a topic that completely bores me.
I asked why Brett Favre retired and this was my sweet boy's response... "Oh my gosh, Mama! He is reeeaaally old!" And to my query of how old really old might be..."Like, 38 or something." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am actually a year older than "really old".
I am considering changing Prince Charming's name to Prince Stinker.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


I think I tend to be a fairly optimistic person. I try to find the good in any situation, but I am fairly certain I will not look back on this year as one of the best in my life. The latest I-cannot-believe-this-is-happening thing to happen is the death of my friend Songstress. She was a beautiful 40 year old mother of two who went toe to to with cancer. Sadly, the cancer won.
Her biggest concern during this long ordeal was what would happen to her children if she did die. Her husband spent years raising those children with her, loving and protecting them the way a father should. Her fabulous ex-husband, The Idiot, told her he would take the kids the minute she died. This lovely man moved away from his children and back to his hometown of Cooter Sweat, Louisiana because "my kids didn't call me on my birthday or Christmas". Said kids were 3 and 6 at the time. Ummmm.....yeah.
I do also have a selfish motive for wanting those kids to stay here. Songstress was the mother of Little Runner Girl's best friend Twin. Yes, I am sad that my daughter's best friend is moving to a place where people cannot spell their own names. But I am mostly astonished that anyone could possibly think that it is in the best interest of these children to bury their mother on Friday and move them out of state on Saturday. The Idiot didn't even bother to take any of their things with them except the clothes they had packed to sleep over while their mom was in the hospital. He'll come back for the rest of their things "when it is more convenient". I wouldn't want The Idiot to inconvenience himself.
I am furious and I am heartbroken.

Sunday, June 15, 2008


In our home, critters outnumber people. We have a darling, very curious bunny named Baby. We have four (no, I am not kidding!) tree frogs named Carlos the 2nd, Chocolate and...ummm....
Tiny? Lime? Hopper? Honestly, I lost track several frogs ago. We also have a continually changing cast of crickets with which to feed the frogs. (And no, I do not wish to receive email from the Cricket Liberation Front or Crickets Against Tree Frogs or any other such organization. But thank you for your concern.)
Rounding out our menagerie are two rather grumpy old ladies, cleverly disguised as 17 year old cats. If you have never lived with old women, or old cats, let me just tell you...they are very fond of complaining. And Thou Shalt Not Change the Routine. Ever. Never, never, ever!
We have also provided temporary shelter for a wounded bird, a wild baby bunny, a skink, several toads, a hamster, a colony (or whatever you call it) of lady bugs, a goldfish and some other reptilian (amphibian?) creature. (I have no idea what it is called, but I am sure my son could give you its biography, resume and social security number.)
As you may have guessed, all of these animals mean more work for Mama. I frequently proclaim that there will be no more living things inhabiting my house until something dies. Apparently, God does not agree. This morning my daughter, Little Runner Girl, came to my husband, The Saint, and said "Daddy, there is a weird scratching noise in my ceiling".
Yes, there is something scratching, and also chewing, in the ceiling above her dormer window. An inspection of the attic and roof did not reveal the entrance to the critter's new apartment. And, of course, a call to the professionals resulted in "We'll be out some time next week". Goodness. Thanks so much! So until next week, we have another critter. With my luck, it will be the thing that dies.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Why On Earth Am I Writing a Blog?

1. So I can lure y'all into my Cult of Obsessive Toothbrushing.
2. Because the daily adventures of a middle-aged, suburban housewife are simply riveting.
3. To further mortify my teenager.
4. Because I was running out of reasons to ignore my housework.
5. And my laundry.
6. Also, I want a place to commit crimes against proper sentence structure. And grammar. And punctuation.
7. My head is full of useless information and I need somewhere to store my thoughts.
8. I'll never have to tell a blog to chew with its mouth closed, brush its teeth, get its shoes out of the living room floor, bring me its dirty clothes or get its junk out of the car.
9. All the cool kids are doing it.
10. Okay, all the cool kids except my friend Prankster. This will really annoy her. BwaaaHaaaHaaa!